I was totally mesmerized. Not ringing or checking on his son all week is busting my boundries but I wont tell him how awful I think this is, because they wont and dont see anything but themselves. : a strong feeling of anger toward someone that lasts for a long time. It's less. How he acted towards me said more about him than it did about me. by NATALIE | Oct 21, 2013 | Happiness & Self-Esteem | 180 comments. When I talk to people who struggle with walking away and staying away and who keep getting their fingers burned, there can often be this fear of appearing to hold a grudge. A lot less drama. Thats just circumstantial. Unbelievable he now sends me s friend request. You hit the nail on the head. I love what you said about real friends would support you, see your reason for NC and not have him showing up ay parties you will be coming to. Youre right, sometimes these rebounds are objectified but I did not mean to do so. Thanks Tinkerbell! I am well aware of the working definition of forgiveness and what it means and doesnt mean, especially in Biblical terms. If you have a parent, friend, *someone* in your life that feels perpetually disappointed in you and maybe even feels entitled to make their feelings and issues your problem, its okay to say no to this malarkey.Dont forget that my book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want is out now. Sending love and hugs your way. Can this still apply if you have children with your ex? They dont even know why they do what they do but keep far far away from this toxic narc. Forgive yourself for going back, or staying in something that you knew wasnt right, for you. I feel like hes pushing it in my face to get a reaction from me. This content does not have an Arabic version. All rights reserved. What makes someone do that? I am dating a new guy, very casual and early stages. He did make you genuinely happy for a time, I remember that. When you share your feelings and your legitimate feelings make another person defensive, you are not being blamed for holding a grudge. I knew beforehand where the so-called ex gf lived. Then, I thought, Why the hell should he think I am now or will ever by ok with what went down? It bugs me that I give a hoot what he thinks. Ive been struggling with what I would want out of an encounter. Any use of this site constitutes your agreement to the Terms and Conditions and Privacy Policy linked below. But thats just me. The bible also says to flee sexual immorality. It takes practice. Your explanations about why something is inconvenient, or abusive, goes in one ear and out the other. This time. Sometimes I feel I do, but mostly I feel I dont. I dont like all the negative nasty thoughts I have pretty much all the time. thts it. In any case, I can sympathize with the trauma you must have gone through with such a parent. Youre seeing the forest beyond the trees. Done! I still feel Ive done the right thing, and I am relieved, but in other ways I dont know that Ill ever be really free of him. Grudges vs boundaries: the powerful difference - Women's Therapy I hadnt even realised it was there. *Get a journal. You might need to deal with him in relation to your child but you can do that in a business like pragmatic way. What's the difference between setting and respecting a boundary vs. holding a grudge? I obviously made it sound like I was intending a relationship with the man, and I assure you I am not, we are friends, but not even sure that will work for me as the chemistry is off for me even for friends. Dear ReadyForChange, your reply to the AC was SO self-possessed that he had to escalate his make her feel rejected plan. you're not angry but you remember what that person is capable of so you don't put your trust in them again. Its amazing how familiar that sounds, Maeve. Note to self: I dont want him in my life and thats okay. "Take a look at the feelings that arise immediately after you think about an old friend, a past co-worker or an ex. I guess it is because I cannot make sense of what happened. Ive seen him twice, at events, each time with his wife. I have come a long way since then but I needed to finally put the fantasy in my head to rest once and for all so I texted him to ask if he wanted to catch up. : a feeling of anger or displeasure about someone or something unfair. It is hard to imagine being free and clear someday. If we combine this information with your protected It is far more powerful than breaking it to talk to him. This for my own sake. Therefore, I will never get an apology and there really is nothing he can say to make what he did alright with me. Sandy, I am proud of you, too. You do not want to go back to that way of life for nothing, because you know the damage it caused. Thats what MOTHERS do. The Difference Between Forgiving And Moving On Silva RS, et al. I am very up front with him too. I dont have to try to convince myself that the EUM will eventually come around just to indirectly, silently protect his ego. In my opinion its ALL there when you look behind the curtain. .What if they have changed? Is it your mother, your sister, your significant other who is toxic or shows signs of narcissism? Yes, we have to forgive (up to 77 times which wasnt literal, but denoted the extremity of extending forgiveness) everyone, including our enemies, in the sense that we hold no hatred for them, (letting go as you mentioned), realizing that, if there is to be vengeance it is not ours, but Gods. Thank you, Yoghurt- Your post makes 100% sense. It beggars belief! Sometimes I honestly think that there is a type of person who gets abused and I was just one of those but she showed us that there is no such thing, anyone can be a victim. I dont know if this helps but when you feel the urge to contact bear in mind that hes probably doing the same with other women too, and was all along. The weekend was stunningly beautiful, romantic, and had me thinking that all of the demons had left him. You speak your mind and I appreciate this about your posts. ", You're all about fairness or want to make sure that they see your side of things, "You might plan to get together with a friend or go out with your boyfriend, but then decide to cancel at the last minute, just because you don't feel right about it or aren't "up to it," Habash, said. I AM afraid of being told (again) either implicitly or explicitly that I am selfish I know my ex has set me up for that and is oh so careful to always appear the good guy especially to our kids. If you forgive, you may be able to let go of your grudge and start to move on with your life. Validation? Not doing it! Its so elementary but I hadnt thought of what you said, at least not in that way. I deal with this a lot. It did occur to me that being in no contact with him for good may seem a bit harsh and like Im holding a grudge against the past, but then it also occurred to me, Who cares? Why does it matter what someone who clearly didnt care about me thinks? . Are you sure it wouldnt be an excuse to stay connected? Elsevier; 2018. https://www.clinicalkey.com. My dilemma with him is will I go to is funeral when he dies. If we take a good hard look at where we have even reasonably decent relationships with people, romantic or otherwise, theyre not with people who rely on us having selective amnesia, who dont bear the responsibility for making right on something that theyve said theyll do after theyve erred, who dont keep trying to push the Reset Button, and who dont keep using the past as a weapon on us. Yesterday I had watched this ridiculous episode where the girl was trying sooo hard to get one of the nerds to sleep with him, and I just kept thinking, WHY? Kudos to You! dont care, dont care, dont care. Block him from all social networking sites and anything that allows you to see into his life. Im interested in using the past and holding a grudge and how that affects how you interact with people today. Those . Thank you for your reply. If this is true, you're not holding a grudge, you just don't like her, which you're allowed to do. Resentment is the feeling we have been wronged by someone else and holding a grudge is the belief that we will feel better when we have shown the other person how angry we are, Carrie Krawiec, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Troy, Michigan, told INSIDER. Talk to you soon. The new rebound guy isnt the bad guy in CCs scenario (as presented). I trusted them whilst in then depths of the on off emotional roller coaster ride of a relationship and it seems now that I was fabricating everything and the reason he treated me so badly was because it was my fault. Improved heart health. Its bordering on the OCD side which can be so frustrating. Getting another person to change isn't the point of forgiveness. Synonym for grudge Grudge = Feeling of hatred/anger Ex: (Your ex-girlfriend keys your car) I will hold a grudge forever! I couldnt seem to break free. Ready If you had a proper relationship and he was basically a good egg i might say go ahead and have a talk. That means behaving in their ultimate best interests. Don't be afraid to ask for some space or take a step back before continuing the conversation. Recovery is exhausting. No, no theological debate going on, just seeking understanding of what the other person means. I am paralyzed even after all this time with a feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. What a douche! I also observed undercurrents of hostile, disrespectful behavior. It is constantly holding something over another person's head, not letting them recover from a past failure. I still am having to work on that. Thinking a bit more about what's going on can help you figure out if you're canceling plans because you truly want to stay in or because there's something else going on. They always tell you who they are. I have no specific information about if he is dating, etc. There are other friends who understand but two who dont I feel so much better and less grudging, now that I am starting to appreciate the distance and time I have claimed for myself. And awareness. Because really, what can you feel guilty about or worried what they (ACs) think? I neglected to include that he waited until I was already deeply involved with him to tell me he was married 4 times. Behaving just like a drug addict, withdrawing from the fix. Mayo Clinic on Incontinence - Mayo Clinic Press, NEW The Essential Diabetes Book - Mayo Clinic Press, NEW Ending the Opioid Crisis - Mayo Clinic Press, FREE Mayo Clinic Diet Assessment - Mayo Clinic Press, Mayo Clinic Health Letter - FREE book - Mayo Clinic Press. I think its hard for us to believe that people would do such disrespectful hurtful things, so we go into denial. ugh! My ex told me to stop treating him like a stranger and that we should just be nice to each other erm, you cheated on me and abused me physically and emotionally HELLOOO!?? Trauma refers to your physical and emotional response to experiencing harm or violation. I have to learn to forgive me for not being beautiful, desirable enough to get a high quality dude to actually want to live here with me. Finally opening up about a topic that has hurt you on an ongoing basis can be emotionally draining. Keep telling yourself that. I do still have thoughts of having a final dinner with him someday, though What is wrong with me?!! Oh lizzp, never intended to say the new guy doesnt have feelings! If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done and want forgiveness, consider reaching out to those you've harmed. AAAArrrrggggg!! I have told all my friends that I wanted to hear none of it, and would not be able to participate in common friendships- since I dont see him as my friend. But it was so OTT at times, that I began making funny faces and blushing when I was with him, especially since he made no exception with me in applying his charming/seductive behavior. Less anxiety, stress and hostility. The Lords prayer is helpful in learning how to do that because of the line forgive us our debts AS we forgive our debtorsSee? All you're doing it making yourself unhappy by holding onto it. Grace Thank you. If he could correct his situation he would and I know he feels worse about it than I do. My ex never took drugs, lazed around drinking beer in his undershirt and never even hit me. With all of my relationships Im the same way. endstream endobj 157 0 obj <. Accessed Nov. 2, 2022. But he was so so charming, funny, intelligent, etc. hll get the message! . You will always remember. Its a set up! Hi Ladies and gents. You cant kill the memory, but youve ended the BS once and for all. For your own emotional health at such an early stage of a break up dont do it. I guess Natalie would say let it go. Well, ladies, thats male interest candidate #2 in cow-town. Somehow I found it preferable to have this idealized harmony than to exercise my stronger, more realistic side (which is most decidely alive and well). My friends husband just asked me out! We get it all here. I have always adopted NC as my natural response, even before reading about it. Grudges are a form of punishment. Ive even noticed a pattern of late where I can even have a civil, superficially friendly rapport with a EU/AC romantic prospect but keep them at arms length (where they definitely feel the boundary), and thats probably because I called the shots in ending things. Youve said it a million times: No thanks, I dont want to do it. Youve told someone they have hurt you or been unfair. Hard to be alone. I tired NC and then realized I was still being affected by her, especailly when I got into relationships. That way he cant send you any! Kit-Kat, I suffer from the same problem. And, of course I couldnt tell him I followed him and what I had discovered. If you read any if my posts from last weeks blog, I was just broken up with last week and was blindsided and feel sure its because his ex (who is a narcissist) has ventured back into the picture and hes apparently not done being hurt by her. When it gets to close 4 comfort they disappear into the night. I broke it off after a few weeks because the emotional rollercoaster was too painful but then spent the last 4 months wondering what could have been, would have been, should have been, and so on. Take some time out from dating, so that you can move on from the ex in a healthy way. You deserve better than that. It's impossible to ask for forgiveness from a person who hasn't. Forgiveness is letting go. Youre holding a grudge! We met a few times. Allison, Thank you, yes I feel I am. And the kids seem fine too. In my experience, knowing what makes them tick and knowing theyre mentally ill and cant help it makes the whole thing more comprehensible (though certainly not less painful). When I reflect, I have forgiven the assclowns from my past for their bad behavior. It can help free you from the control of the person who harmed you.

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