I said- we will be right here. I am so very worried for my son. My ex-husband took his own life a week ago. She didnt know how he died, though. If children live with acceptance, they learn to love. We saw him take the dog out to potty and I let the mother know lights were on and blinds were up. i was the last thought he had before he pulled the trigger, how can i not hold some sort of blame. I never got to meet the young man but I have cried my tears with my daughter for him. I think he would be proud that I will always remember his best qualities, attributes, and achievements. I spent years blaming myself, thinking if I had just said that or just done that it would have been different. I have three beautiful granddaughters who will be teens in a few years and am crippled by thoughts that perhaps one of them will develop depression as mental illness is so prevalent in my family. He planned to end his life 3 weeks earlier, telling me how he would do it. It has been like that for 3 days now. I have joined a local support group (SOBS) and straight away I felt less alone and my mood is always lifted. He didnt deserve to die like this. She had not only lost her Daddy but her two dogs died within months,and she lost her elderly cat a month before,she had lost her best friend kitty while her Daddy was still here. I sat with him for hours each night talking, he told me that I would have to accept that he could not carry on in this world, he felt like an outcast, did not fit in or belong. I would like so badly to rebut the psychological effects of grief, blame and transference of power. She didnt keep but one of them, and the one she kept she sent and it was very painful. This was her death. the missing piece he always said i was his missing piece who fitted perfectly in his life. Call around to other churches and ask if any of the facilitators have dealt with suicide. I knew he was depressed, he knew I was as well. I am struck by the number of postings here. And I know what your thinking "this wasn't your fault" but it was. I kept them away from all the dis functional drama since they were 1-2 years old. Thank you for sharing your story and these important words of encouragement/empowerment. Let yourself grieve take your time and dont let anyone tell you whats right and whats not. Not only did my daughter learn she had lost a friend, I then had to tell her how he lost his life because I did not want her hearing it from someone else. March 8th, 2018. ~ Kathleen, claudia September 13, 2019 at 5:22 pm Reply. If his car was left on the bridge and he walked/ran and jumped, the cops would have found his vehicle, and there are no presumed jumpers right now either.. Bev mcclure March 16, 2019 at 5:38 pm Reply, My son my love took his life a week ago and I cant find a lot on no reason why we didnt have any clues he had no mental illness he showed no signs so I understand what youre saying there isnt a lot about that on the web I feel your pain, mary barre December 20, 2018 at 1:06 pm Reply. Seventeen was a challenging year for me, you go through so many changes, but as you grow up, you realize that people act in certain ways for reasons that are totally unrelated to you, because of their own insecurities. This is for all those who believe in light at the end of tunnel. I pray for all of us who are experiencing this nightmare. The next night as I headed home from work me and 5 others received a random text . I respect everyones right if they prefer not to use the word commited , but that is a word I do choose to refer to how my son ended his life. You may feel confused and forgetful. Hope everyone comes together and shares there thoughts and thanks for me letting this out . It had gotten to the point where she wasnt the same old friend anymore. He had 3 children a son 20 and two daughters 14 and 5, I had been with him all week and thought we made progress then I got the call from him that he loved me and not to let his 14 year old daughter in the house after school. Grief is already such a challenging emotion to understand. Now I dont really get to see the grandkids and she has moved on. She has come to me in my dreams or my mind has tricked me into thinking that but I miss her still Ive relived every fight wondering what triggered it , why ? So forget and heal. We had spoken that morning. We put him in a sober home as a final resort where he was to address his self medicating and mental health issues. Rhonda Frankhouser. .. With Gods help and my little family and few friends .. my twin 48 year old brother died on tuesday 10 sept 2013- he killed himself by hanging. He felt he had no choice. People dont work like that. Hang in there sweet heart. I dont know that I actually have anything to say. It is a lonely feeling. Sue, Anger is a common emotion after a suicide loss and I am sure New Years is especially hard. He had just turned 20 ten days before. I met with a life coach today (Im from Terrigal in Australia) and he told me that I will never get over this, so dont listen to advice when people say you will be ok with it or to be strong. my husband and best friend of 30 years ended his life august 2016. there was no autopsy so i will never know for certain what was going on inside his brain & body. Ilene January 29, 2019 at 12:05 am Reply. He died after overdosing in his car while driving. I'm not going to say some bullshit about just giving it time or something, the truth for me is that if I actually allow myself to feel the loss, even today, it brings me to tears almost instantly. One son had a visible disease and the other had an invisible disease, but they both chose to end their pain. He didnt see how loved and appreciated he truly was. I was just angry at the world and took it out on the only person there.I went into a very deep depression, and even knowing how bad Lindseys depression must be I could not pull myself out of it.I went into my room and left poor Lindsey alone with her grief.I would not even say I love you at times, I felt frozen inside. My heart goes out to them. Having suicidal thoughts is common. Otherwise I am a loser. But as the egocentric teenage girl I was at that moment I didnt call him back. Ive been studying narcissism for years trying to make sense of him and of us, and the bottom line is, I have to accept this was the inevitable outcome of a lot of factors, some his fault, some not. What does this mean? I learned last week that my friend died of suicide, although the cause of death was not made clear. We were the happiest we have been in our lives. I was with her 18 years being ever mindful of how she struggled. March 8th, 2018. Cyndi Fern January 21, 2021 at 11:38 am Reply. God LOVES you, and has a plan and purpose for your life, at the end of the tunnel there is a light and his name is Jesus Christ, his word says in John 8:12 When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, I am the light of the world. Hes in surgery now. I had to hand the phone to my boyfriend. Next thing I knew it was early March and Im thinking I havent heard from him in a while, I ought to give him a call. The next thing I know, like literally a few days later, a friend in common texts me that TJ is dead! Sadly one night I slept through the night and my son completed suicide, nothing could have prepared me for the pain, grief or sorrow that I still go through, the total lack of empathy. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, individualgrief is uniqueto the person experiencing it and their relationship with the person who died, Shattered assumptions about the world, oneself, and others. First person I told when lost my virginity. Jan Sabo November 28, 2018 at 11:00 am Reply. I want to be able to talk to him and ask him questions and hug him more than anything in the world. (1983). DaBaby's Brother Dies by Suicide - TMZ Maria B August 3, 2020 at 5:57 am Reply. Wed both aged by decades, and maybe I sensed that he was depleted. We can talk in averages and generalities, but no article, grief theory, or set of symptoms will ever perfectly sum up your grief experience. You have to learn to GROW around it. (it sounds absurd to say, but when my grief was fresh, I was taking a psychology course Maslows hierarchy of needs was something that, even just glancing at, made me feel a little better because, in a round about way, it allowed me to understand that, while I can and should help other people, I also needed to help myself. Im so sorry Bobbie you deserved so much better. Frank Schumpert October 18, 2019 at 10:09 pm Reply. My husband is ill with MS and I have been looking after him for 18 years. I feel like Im losing ground and falling into a hole. Im so scared, but I dont think I can go through with it knowing I could hurt my kids so badly. So I definitely wont be making that mistake again and I will be learning from what he said to me. Im in another relationship now, and to the world outside, it appears that I have moved on. No time did not help, but I have learned to live with it. My mom hadnt been able to see my dad. I have not talked to him in a month prior to his suicide. The blame and guilt is suffocating. He was 7 1/2 years older than me and he died eight days after my wedding and after having run off a month before. I saw some women taking a walk down the street chatting and realized that no, they dont have a clue that this place and time is not appropriate for laughter. Lastly, Im sincerely sorry for your loss, Lasen September 3, 2019 at 5:18 pm Reply. I am incredibly sad and traumatized and am also dealing with grief and anxiety from it. So like you my pain is real but please be strong and keep moving forward . On April 8th the love of my life took her life almost right in front of me. It feels good to get this all out, even if no one will read it. There was a gun and bullets just waiting for him. Its heavy on my mind and I am so scared that I contributed to his decision. He was our biggest fan. Good for you for trying a second group when the first one wasnt a good fit, so many people give up after their first try! And to be another voice/story out there in hopes that it can help someone in some way. You Can Also Read Our Other Posts About Suicide Deaths: In Memory of Robin Williams:How to Talk With Kids About Suicide, Review of the Dougy Centers After a Suicide Death: An Activity Book for Grieving Kids, Review of Hospice of the Chesapeakes Supporting Children After a Suicide Loss: A Guide for Parents and Caregivers. Right before he took his life we talked and said this world wasnt for us and its like we were just playing a game and seeing who would kill themself first. I dream I hug her and tell her I miss her. If anyone else has experienced this, sending you lots of love and youre not alone. She sent years self medicating to numb her pain. Sabrena January 13, 2018 at 12:14 am Reply, Hello Sky? I was 21 at the time and I was the one who found him. You are not responsible, no matter how much his family makes you feel as though you are. Life does not make sense anymore. I am writing this in hopes that someone thinking about suicide will read this. One of the hardest things in the world is mourning someone who is still alive. Either way, it hurts me deeply to see all of these comments and stories, I wish it was not possible for people to kill themselves. My boyfriend of nine years died by suicide only 7 weeks ago. I had tried to help my little brother for years. I share my unit with another woman. Robert, I am so incredibly sorry for this devastating loss. It hasnt gotten easier, theres so many fagors to this. You may not want to look at them right away, maybe you will, but I can guarantee that there will be a day in the future when your heart will feel grateful for the reminder of things forgotten. Its okay if you never feel angry There is no right way to grieve. Usually completing something is seen as an accomplishment. While this was going on she was going to school ,playing sports and cheerleading, she was missing a lot of school but because she was smart was able to catch up , when in school spent so much time in the nurses office having anxiety attacks daily. I was upset at her but never expressed it. i had 3 family members die unneccessarily tragically due to incorrect intervention and the lack of appropriate intervention. Bless you ? Nobody could make me laugh and hurt like He could. I am so sorry for your loss as well. to keep pushing me along. My chest hurts and my stomach is in knots. Do not accept blame from yourself or others. Since then Ive had 6 therapist and been on over 10 different meds. My wife bore my sons and daughters. Now I cant and his widow has a newborn with another guy and I barely see my nephews bc I cant stand but feel terrible for them and Him and myself and my family. I did not even know she had a gun. She was 55. Your comment made me think of the episode. American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I dont want to get out of bed. We tried to get him help but he was already in a dark place. we got in a huge fight because he was so drunk, i blamed myself for the fight but i dont know , he knew what he was doing and it started the fight. We divorced 16 years ago and he married his latest mistress. Life should just stop for a bit, it shouldnt have to go on as if all is well. On April 5th, 2019 around 6:30 am I woke up to 2 missed calls from my brother earlier that day around 12:30 am. Then there were the unsolicited opinions of others about how my beloved being Selfish Weak, or other things that only enraged me or caused me to become even more isolated, quiet then finally cut myself out of the outside world all together. Nothing seemed wrong, although I remembered wishing I was able to see him one-on-one for our usual authentic talks. She left a beautiful son age 8 who is gentle soul . The first few days after her death I was a wreck I hate crying and I probably cried for 48 hours straight it was mentally and physically exhausting. That didnt work. FOR YOU! He had everything going for him. He was 34 and had been battling something I will never understand. I still cant believe Im never going to see him again. Like you that pain will never heal and every day every minute like yoi always thoughts are their . That image will never go away. God give me the strength to stand tall and deliver his Eulogy. They of course are older, but they loved him with all their hearts, as I did. If he were here right now (he didnt leave a note, just 2 decades of predictive clues), I think hed say he did it for me. All business and paperwork was organized and his note told his wife where to find everything. How to ask a girl out. ( I know that sounds bad but let me explain). The pain is still very raw and fresh. The first few months were terrible- I wanted nothing to do with life if it didnt involve him. I need no pity , alcoholics are nortorius for blame and shame and I refuse to allow him to make me feel I did anything to cause this it was his decision alone. He is with you everywhere you are, Liz, and everywhere you go. I blame myself for not taking his telling me that he had thoughts of suicide in a more critical way. The family decides to keep the suicide a secret. I feel the counselor didnt do nothing for him I think he they looked at him as more is a cash cow because of the insurance we had and a rather string things along then get down to the nitty-gritty and help. I came to realize that my youngest son who took his life by suicide had those very same feelings of hopelessness and believing that there wasnt a cure for his feelings and emotional pain, but his death is attached to a stigma. On 1/3/2023, she left the house, seemingly normal, to go to a therapist appointment. We found him Monday 3rd of sept. His birthday was this week and because of the circumstances we will be able to have his funeral only the day after tomorrow. Carolyn January 13, 2021 at 11:54 am Reply. I feel like i have been scarred for life and have not gone to counseling. I am physically sick over it and cannot stop imagining the terror he must have felt in his last moments. When you feel hopeless you have to remember to stay in the light no matter what you do. we discussed this with the urologist who prescribed the Rx who informed us to cut back on the medication and discussed a surgical alternative which was our plan. I came on this site looking for some sort of comfort. I could not believe it that after 30 yrs i found an assignment he wrote that Ive never seen before where he detailed his mental health in the years before. She was so excited to spend time with him! what im trying to find out is, what is the real factor to make some one jump from 19th floor ??? I have two children which she loved and they loved her. All the cops can say is that its suspicious circumstances. Your story was the only one i could find similar to mine. Its a terrible thing to have to live through and no amount of time will ever heal me from this damage that He left inside. The Alabama alum plays inside, completing the three-cone drill in . We spoke almost daily We thought he was beginning a new life. I had some good reasons. Childhood trauma and lack of coping skills were always just below the surface but mixed with anxiety and a back injury became a storm that eventually took his life and he hung himself in our back yard. It has destroyed our entire family. I feel so guilty and ashamed and sad. She called my daughter and told her to google his name and she too found his obituary. When I was ill, he became aware of my issues. I knew I was mad for her back then and I know this sounds strange but I didnt know I loved her until she was gone. Could I have done something to help before it was too late? I get very emotional whenever I try to write anything about him. Things like that. This wasnt to be. The deceaseds mental illness or suicidal behavior created disruption and placed a strain on the family. I dont think I will ever enjoy life again. We both have felt extremely suicidal on more than a few occasions in our life. Therapy and medications help. That, god, I need him back. They told us they could see he had suffered at least 12 stroked since being put on the ventilator. Im sorry to hear about your friend and step dad. I moved him back to our home after his 2nd attempt and also sent him to a rehab centre in KZN. Im angry that he was punished for things his sickness did.Im told I missed out on inevitable heartache. I was amazed at his strength and conviction to live his life as the person he wanted. I know how very sad and scared you are. He was 87. the Rx worked great for his prostate BUT my happy laid back 66 year old surfer (who ran circles around many of his younger friends) started having panic attacks, anxiety and depression. These stories are extremely sad but comforting, as we all loved the person who saw death as their release. How To Break Up With Someone Who Threatens To Hurt Themselves Anyway, I am so torn up over this and cant live with myself if this is my fault. he fooled us all, he hid it so well that even seen him almost every day i could not get a hint of what was happening. Her best friend comforts me daily assuring me that she loved me right up to the end, and still got googly-eyed talking about me. So many are impacted by suicide of a loved one. Even in death she still gave everything. We took her to her doctor. Even knowing this, the grief is horrendous, so many shoulda, coulda, woulda, not to mention the answers I so desire. So I know he had other things going on that probably had a big affect on his mental health. He even sent me text messages to say I should pick up. I can only imagine how much pain his family is going through and it breaks my heart thinking how short his life was. But I will NEVER have that unless I create it myself starting with me. May 1, 2021 8:16am. I cannot say what happens to a person when they die anymore than anyone else can. She hung her self. I highly recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-and-grief-2/ I cant tell you not to feel guilty, but I do want you to hear this: You are not responsible for your husbands death. Oswald julmi April 13, 2019 at 5:33 am Reply. And they did. Sure was funny as hell to see the look of suprised bewilderment on his face. Hurting so much . Melinda January 23, 2019 at 5:44 pm Reply. For the people she hurt, for the hurt shes dealt me with her actions, for the son she left behind who one day Ill have to explain what happened to mommy. No one else knows my brother was a pedophile and thats why he was struggling and why he killed himself. I miss him, but Im so mad at him. Love, Mom of Tom, Tonya December 7, 2018 at 3:35 pm Reply, My son harmed himself on Nov 17th, I came home from spending the night at my boyfriend house. Sometimes I think I did too much, and perhaps thats why was hard for him. I keep trying to read on how to work through my grief, how to figure out the way to live without him, and i keep reading about the stages of grief. It was a reflection of himself and the things he never got to do. Now I sit in silence missing him. She had recently started talking to him through social media again and he had expressed interest in dating her and wanted to take her out. I am looking for akey as if I find it, I can run to a door and open it and he will be there. He said Matt ( my dad, his stepdad) shot himself. I was just stuck. Think about him everyday. I told him to be safe and that I loved him. I didnt know it would be the last time I talked to him. There are alternatives. Just needed to get this out somehow, somewhere, to someone. I looked out my bedroom window to see a Sheriff driving away. My young son took his life at 16. I had to tell my dad that his baby girl was gone. Its destroyed every part of my being, as if that day, that moment, everything plays over and over in my mind. He made work fun and motivated us. So why do you? Is just an example of a line he liked to give. His death feels like a statement, the final I Dont Care in a long string of I dont cares. For what felt like the longest time nobody joked about suicide, helpline + lifeline posts were everywhere over instagram, everyone was talking about mental health. I have found more strength through self-help, by reading books which address grief and all of the issues surrounding grief, some which are specific to suicide death. This caused a change in his claim. Although suicide is often sudden, it is not always unexpectedand so not all who experience the death of a loved one to suicide struggle to answer the question of Why?. As you describe seeing you father and the experience youre having of fear and difficulty with the hard memories, it sounds like in addition to your grief of losing him that you are still struggling with the trauma of the circumstances of his death. But then in the second week, I started hearing from his friends. Michelle July 12, 2020 at 1:02 pm Reply. Only God could and as much as God loved him, my husband could not receive Gods love either. They had been together for 6 years. Its okay to express it. I know for sure that if he did this its because the pain was too much. I know my daughter needed to know so I looked her friends mother up on social media and learned that she worked with a friend of mine. My dear Friend, I met her through her bf, ( he was new to the area and one day we started talking and ended up going to his where I met HER.. and smoked pot together.) Eleanor June 15, 2016 at 12:17 pm Reply. corrupted files. I know God has always been there for me and gotten me through a lot but Im to the point of questioning everything. I drank heavily for 2 years, quit working, and was a mess of self-guilt, self-blame, and shock. He kept saying he was depressed and wasn't worth living. It makes sense. I am not making excuses but I am unfortunately not focusing on the original reason or HUMAN I MISS IMMENSELY AND FEEL that I didnt do enough to help my son before it was too late! When I speak about the event, I chose to say He took his own life. because its hard for me to say the S word. My friend took his life with his first attempt. Long story short, in the last year of his life, he was hospitalized 6 times. I urged her to not look at it that way. "I just killed my brother," caller tells Portage County dispatcher I have worried about her my whole life, supported her, stuck up for her when family called her a druggie, called GPs, tried to engage her in Mental Health, Adult Social Care, Drug and Alcohol services. I am bawling my eyes out right now. Almost exactly 1 year ago , August 2nd,2017 he committed suicide. A decade of his disability and being the sole provider in our family wore on me and I shut down too.

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